On Friendship

Being someone with social anxiety, friendship is something I’ve never been good at in the sense of making friends. Throughout my life, starting in late elementary school, I’ve only ever had one friend at a time, and I can count the number on one hand.

A few months ago, I ended my latest friendship. I recently had to message her to ask about an item of hers that I apparently still had, as I didn’t want to just chuck it out because it wasn’t mine. And the short interaction brought some thoughts to the surface, which I had forgotten about a while ago.

Mainly? That I’m content with my decision.

The main reason I ended things was because the friendship was very one sided. I was tired of always being the one to instigate.

I had read my old journal a while ago and in it was three times we had “broken up”, and each time I had gone crawling back to her even though she was in the wrong. And it made me realize our friendship had been sour for a lot longer than I realized.

When I explained to her I was tired of the one-sided friendship, I stated my reasons, and all she did was apologize and say she wouldn’t try to make excuses. Which, to that, I appreciated. However, that was it. There was absolutely no effort made to rectify things.

At first, I was a bit hurt with the lack of trying, because after over a decade of friendship, you’d think it would mean enough to try to fix things.

But then it fortified my decision. It made me realize that I made a good choice, because if I/our friendship meant anything to her, she would have tried to fix things. I didn’t want to continue a false friendship, and her lack of effort showed it was false.

I thought not having any friends would be hard, but honestly… It’s freeing. I used to be dependent on that friendship because of my anxiety and lack of other friends, and it’s empowering to be stripped of that shackle.

I may never have friends again. Not only is making friends as an adult hard as heck in general, but throw in some anxiety, Christian values, and an introvert lifestyle too, and it’d be dang near impossible.

And I’m okay with that. I’d rather be without friends and happy than the opposite.

Those are my musings for tonight.

Ciao for now!

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